So I Had All These Thoughts

These grand ideas for what I should write about next.

Letting go of winning.  How to ask for help.  Breastfeeding.  Cloth diaper reviews.  The information technology (aka “Google”) trap.

As in, I fell into the “Google” trap when D was brand new and I was not confident about what he needed from me.  Lo and behold, as soon as I put down the smartphone and quit diving down the internet rabbit hole, he taught me what I needed to know.  TAH-DAH.

But I just finished reading a book and I realized I’m very, very tired of tricking myself into believing I have to prove anything to anyone else.  Like what I’ve learned about life and housekeeping and my baby and everything else I’ve encountered.

It’s not a competition.  I can handle contradictions.  I don’t have to prove it.

So I scrapped all these “how-to” ideas for blog entries.  Because who cares?!

I’m living and learning as I go (just like anyone else who is paying attention) and I can only do my best.  And I’m not supposed to belittle myself or be hard on myself as I go.  I know what I know by experience and that’s better than good enough.

I want to give up the yoke of perfectionism before I miss anything else.  I don’t need it.

There are PLENTY of areas in life where I am needlessly hard on myself.  For heaven’s sake, there are plenty of interpersonal challenges to my mental health too, thank-you-very-much.

Take mommyhood, for example.  I love it.  I don’t have to fake that.  It’s no cakewalk, and yes, I’m new, but I’m not green, and I’m on the right track.  Baby and I are learning and laughing and smiling and crying together.  We handle the dailies, one at a time, with whatever help Husband can provide.

Like mommyhood, the only way my writing “improves” is with practice:  when I tell real stories, one at a time, in my own voice.  I want to write about the meat of life, which isn’t hard as long as I write honestly.  Honesty is the hard part when I’ve made some of my writing public.  But it’s the meaty part, so I’ve got to quit thinking I’ll let anybody down by being vulnerable.

So time to let it go and let it be and let it out.  And yoke myself to exploration instead.

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So I Had All These Thoughts