D, you and I are magnificent. And we are trouble. We love so hard and hurt so much. Our words are powerful, healing, and dangerous. I feel it – I know you do. Our touch is the same. Every night I wish I’d done something – at least one thing – differently for you. This is a hard time and we can do hard things. You are strong and sensitive and sweet. I love painting with you. You are a great artist.
C, I’m so sorry we made you worry. You asked if we were OK when I brought D back to bed. Yes, baby, we are OK. We are changing and tired and we are OK. I hope tonight your little nose doesn’t get so stuffy. I hope your dreams are of Moana-Maui-Megablox boats. I promise to pick you up quicker tomorrow. I have the time. You are so keen to play dough, your hands so ready to explore. And you are a deft little hugger and kisser.
Tomorrow we stay home and heal. I’ve been removing things from the calendar bit by bit because we need time together. We belong together and we are strongest together when changes come.
Babies, we moved here because Daddy’s work gave us a good opportunity. We didn’t move because we were tired of our Old Home. We moved because we knew we could make a New Home, albeit differently. No, we don’t have a pool in our backyard anymore. No, there are no mature trees in our neighborhood. No, the fish didn’t make it and Lola isn’t coming back. Yes, we found some nice people who live right around the corner. Yes, we will get another dog and more fish. And dig another garden. And find a preschool. And D, you liked playing with the neighbor kids at the playground. You even sort of liked the new childcare at the Pilates studio; C did not, not so far, not one bit. But C, how you love our stairs and playroom!
And we’re not done looking for a gym. We have time.
The pressure to have all this straightened out. I feel a million “should” shames. From somewhere inside me, my past, my pride, wherever. And grief – I feel the loss of our Old Home’s magic. It’s where you two were born and I began learning to mother you. What needs to happen next is centering and healing and building and strengthening. I am tricked into believing that I left behind my well functioning family – only tricked. In fact, you are right here with me. I am not adjusting easily. You have done better than I.
I asked our date to the park today if she ever thought maybe there was a particular age at which she thought she couldn’t handle her kids (asking for a friend). She had some very kind and true things to say about patience and taking away burdens.
Mercy, dear Universe.
C&D, I beg your pardon for when my words cut and my arms didn’t open quickly.
My little stars,